Christmas Time

I am a person who truly loves Christmas time. I love the snow, the lights, the trees, wrapping presents, and of course giving presents. This year I look forward to sharing the holiday with my newly grown family, and my all together new family.

The only downside to this season, is how school seems to drone on and on. The days go by fast, but the weeks go by slow. But then the weekend is too short. Oh how that is so frustrating.

But I am starting to realize that my High School career is winding down. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this now that it's honestly hitting me. I'm happy to see it over with, so I can move on with my life and get out of the drama and nasty people. But at the same time, I guess it just makes me remember all of my mistakes made through high school, and there has been a lot. And I realize that. And I suppose I feel that since high school will be over, there is no way to reprimand those mistakes. The mistakes that stick out in my head most, is the friends lost.

I've never been a horribly social person. I'm usually shy, quite and reserved around people I don't know well. But I have never had a shortage of friends, I've always had somebody there for me.

But now I feel like I have begun a personal vendetta on my own social life. Yes I have a boyfriend, and some distant friends. But I've lost that one person who knows every single thing about you, the one I'd stay up and talk to about everything, together all the time, and always the one you cried to.

Sometimes I find myself crying, and being so frustrated because I don't know who exactly I can turn to. Yes Casey is always there and I know that. But sometimes you just need a friend, not somebody that is more than that.

I look back on friendships, and think of how they ended. And I feel like they are a result of my stubbornness and my strong opinions, that they just push people away. I feel as if I am never to have a true friend, almost to the point of me feeling undeserving. I've been caught on this subject for almost 6 months now. Its something that keeps me up at night, frustrating and making me sad. But not necessarily wanting to talk about it.

Looking back on old blog posts, I feel like I was being selfish. That its my fault we grew apart like we did. That I didn't quite understand what was going on in her life, not from lack of caring. Because even to this day I wonder how she's doing. But for lack of not noticing any changes with her. Now I feel like a horrible friend, and think "No wonder". She was the one person there, through every mistake I made starting in the 7th grade through most of high school. We grew and we changed together, we ended up completely different people, but we still got along so well.

Now when I think of it, my thoughts remind me of a break-up. Which makes me feel childish and dumb. But its the only way I can explain it. I hate the feelings of jealousy. Because I shouldn't be feeling that. Because it was my fault things turned out like they did.

I need to push these thoughts out of my head and move on with my life. But that is easier said than done obviously.

This time of year is supposed to be one of joy, happiness and togetherness. And that's all I ever felt this time of year, until this year. I feel like my life is ending, when most people feel their lives are just beginning. I should be enjoying my family, and savoring every minute of my senior year. But my mind is holding me back because there is a big piece missing.

Maybe one day I will scrape up enough nerve to ask the questions I ask myself everyday. Try to patch up the hole. And enjoy what I have left of this time of being a child.


Merry Christmas!